wrigley field is MILF paradise
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
