I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
