she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
