I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
