Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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