I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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