The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
