I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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