I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
