So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
