Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
