I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
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If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
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Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.