I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
