He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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