Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just gargled with NyQuil
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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