today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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