I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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