I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
