Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
