Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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