I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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