i think i have two assholes
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
