I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
