Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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