whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
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so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
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it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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