a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
this will be a night to untag.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches