My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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