is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
