Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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