Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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