If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
