nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
