connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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