Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
