im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
