his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
