Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
