Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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