Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That accounts for only three of the penises
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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