there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
