apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
