I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?