I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!