i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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