They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
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he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
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I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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