Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
