Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
