Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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