All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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