I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
