He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
