my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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