I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm at about main and main street
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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