For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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