After last night, I could never be a politician.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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