Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
