fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
