i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
