Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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