So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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