I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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