My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
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