Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
